I'm Not Good At All.

I wrote this at a coffee shop. Alone. 3 PM. 

If you ever wondered where did I go all this time? Don't ask me anything, cause maybe I won't answer that. You can assume that I was depressed. So yes, this is the first time I went out since I locked up my room for a week and didn't go out at all.  I've tried my best to get rid of this feeling because it goddamn fucked up my life into something I can't control. 

College has been one of my dream comes true, even I know that I'll obviously through this part. I never know about my future, I also know that God has the best plan for my life. But, now I feel that maybe God is testing me from every problem He has given to me. I'm a very emotional person about something, I cried for every single problem I've been through. I'm always like that. No, it's not because I am a fucking coward, it's just because I'm really a sensitive person. But seriously, I'm that sensitive. I'm a kind of person that loving peace. (although I have so many problem with my (old) friend, I just didn't want that happen actually. Haha).

This problem maybe seems simple for all of you, but for me-it's a big no. It's related to my future. It depends from how I respond this. I'm struggling with my own self and nobody really knows that, I'm fucking tired and I refuse to tell everyone that I'm tired. I've done everything that makes me happy and I tried so hard to enjoy what I've been fighting for. I'm fighting with demons inside me that made me this way. The other me. It makes me angry, sad, confuse at the same time. I also had a fight with my parents. 

I don't know for sure why this is happen to me, but this is one of my goddamn problem that makes me fucking sad, moody, or sometimes I don't know what I feel. Sometimes I feel like a crazy woman, I don't know how to live a happy life, I lose my mind somewhere. Well, once again, I'm trying so hard to through this part of my life. But, it just can't end easily....

I asked my friend. 

They told me that it would be waste and maybe I'll end up regreting everything I'll do. 

Well, I know all the consequences. But maybe, they just can't change me into something they want. Cause I knew that I live not to please everyone else, I live my life for me. 

Oh, now I know that I'm a different person since I entered my college life. I'm not like them. Really. I'm a freak. Don't you think? Yes, and I'm really proud of it. One of my friend told me that "It's okay to be freak." I know that maybe my point of views are different. So far from them. Yes, it's just me. Sometimes I like to be alone, in the silence. It's me. I love something that different from them. 

Do you ever wondered why I often get angry to myself? Or even I got badmood all the time? That's because I've been keeping my problem all alone, I refused to tell my friends or even my family if I got depress all the time. 

And sometimes, I got depressed just because did you know that sometimes, words can make me hurt or even depressed? Just a little problem for some of you, but, not for me sometimes. I often mocked someone too, but not that hurt. I'm really sorry for being unfair... But you did it all the time.. I didn't know what's your motivation or your purpose to mock me, but that's hurt. Really. Don't ever judge a person from how they dressed, how they look, no-it's a big no. You don't understand them. So shut your mouth, just say a good words for everyone. Do good all the time.

That's why too, I want to tell you all from this post, I can't tell you my problem detail, because I'm talking about all my problem. So, I hope if you are my real friend, and if you really respect me for who am I, I hope you understand. 

You can tell me that this is a joke, you can laugh at this post. So that I know that you have no respect at all to a depressed or problematic person. You know that I wrote it from my deepest heart and based from what I really feel right now.